I
Friend June 2007, suggestion #  1

 

After getting Gordon B. Hinckley's entire luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Prophet is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, President," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Prophet, "they never let me drive at the Church Office Building, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Prophet.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Prophet climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Lord's Anointed floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 Mph.

"Please slow down, President!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Prophet keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear, I'm going to lose my license," moans the driver.

The Prophet pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."
 
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got President Hinckley as a chauffeur!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Emne: En rigtig blondine historie
 
 
En blind mand kommer ved en fejltagelse ind på en bar for
kvinder. Han famler sig frem til en barstol og bestiller en
drink uvidende om, at han er genstand for alles
opmærksomhed.
 
 
Efter et stykke tid råber han til bartenderen:
"Hey, vil du høre en rigtig god blondinevittighed?"
Der bliver øjeblikkelig dødstille i hele baren.
Kvinden ved siden af ham, siger med en meget dyb skurende
stemme:
"Før du nu fortæller den vittighed, så er der lige noget du
skal vide:
 
 
(1) Bartenderen er blondine.
(2) Udsmideren er blondine.
(3) Jeg er en 1,95 m. høj, 110 kg tung blondine med det
sorte bælte i karate.
(4) Kvinden der sidder ved siden af mig, er blondine og
vægtløfter,
(5) Damen på din højre side er også blondine og tidligere
elitebryder.
 
 
Så tænk dig nu rigtig godt om Hr.!
Har du stadig lyst til at fortælle den der blondinevits.?"
 
 
Den blinde mand tøver lidt, tager så sit glas og siger:
"Næ... Ik' hvis jeg skal forklare den fem gange bagefter.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Ha r du nogensinde været så træt?  

One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
 
But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"
       
The coworker replied, "It is like being a  pumpkin." 
God picks you from the patch, brings you in,
and washes all the dirt off of you. 
Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff.
He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed. 
Then He carves you a new smiling face
and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."
The Successful Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard runs into him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

 
God Said,  "No"
Author Unknown
 
I asked God to take away my bad habits.  God said, "No, it is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up."
 
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.  God said, "No, his spirit is whole, his body is only temporary."
 
I asked God to grant me patience.  God said, "No, patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it is not granted, it is learned."
 
I asked God to give me happiness.  God said, "No, happiness is up to you."
 
I asked God to spare me pain.  God said, "No, suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me."
 
I asked God to make my spirit grow.  God said, "No, you must grow on your own.  But I will prune you to make you fruitful."
 
I asked God for all things so that I might enjoy life.  God said, "No, I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things."
 
I asked God to help me LOVE others as much as he loves me.  God said, "Ahhhh, finally you have the idea."
MODERN JUDAISM     
 
   

 

Opdragelse uden spanskrør
 
 

Tough Love vs. Spanking
(a psychological conundrum )

Most of America 's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of

'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

 They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions
with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
A Friend