Friend June 2007, suggestion # 1
After getting Gordon B. Hinckley's entire luggage loaded into the limo, the
driver notices that the Prophet is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, President," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so
we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Prophet, "they never let me drive at
the Church Office Building, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Prophet.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Prophet climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Lord's Anointed floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 Mph.
"Please slow down, President!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Prophet
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear, I'm going to lose my license," moans the driver.
The Prophet pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
doing a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got President Hinckley as a chauffeur!!"
Emne: En rigtig blondine historie
En blind mand kommer ved en fejltagelse ind på en bar
kvinder. Han famler sig frem til en barstol og
drink uvidende om, at han er genstand for alles
Efter et stykke tid råber han til bartenderen:
"Hey, vil du høre en rigtig god blondinevittighed?"
Der bliver øjeblikkelig dødstille i hele baren.
Kvinden ved siden af ham, siger med en meget dyb
"Før du nu fortæller den vittighed, så er der lige
(1) Bartenderen er blondine.
(2) Udsmideren er blondine.
(3) Jeg er en 1,95 m. høj, 110 kg tung blondine med
sorte bælte i karate.
(4) Kvinden der sidder ved siden af mig, er blondine
(5) Damen på din højre side er også blondine og
Så tænk dig nu rigtig godt om Hr.!
Har du stadig lyst til at fortælle den der
Den blinde mand tøver lidt, tager så sit glas og
"Næ... Ik' hvis jeg skal forklare den fem gange
Ha r du nogensinde været så træt?
One Flaw In
time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a
-and she will do everything with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close
to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their
friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
A woman was asked by a
coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"
The coworker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin."
God picks you from the patch,
brings you in,
and washes all the dirt off
Then He cuts off the top and
scoops out all the yucky stuff.
He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed.
Then He carves you a new
and puts His light inside of
you to shine for all the world to see."
The Successful Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on
his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops
him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about
that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart;
he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan
overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is
nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the
sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him
cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough
examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He
gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated
every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the
guard runs into him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know
you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think
about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
God Said, "No"
I asked God to take away my bad
habits. God said, "No, it is not for me to take
away, but for you to give it up."
I asked God to make my
handicapped child whole. God said, "No, his spirit
is whole, his body is only temporary."
I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, "No, patience is a byproduct of
tribulations; it is not granted, it is learned."
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, "No, happiness is up to you."
I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, "No, suffering draws you apart from
worldly cares and brings you closer to me."
I asked God to make my spirit
grow. God said, "No, you must grow on your own.
But I will prune you to make you fruitful."
I asked God for all things so
that I might enjoy life. God said, "No, I will give
you life so that you may enjoy all things."
I asked God to help me LOVE
others as much as he loves me. God said, "Ahhhh,
finally you have the idea."
Opdragelse uden spanskrør
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